Make it stop, please.

I’m not in a good place today. I have been in constant pain all day and feel like crying every ten minutes. It started on my birthday at 5:30 AM. I felt a pain and woke up. For the next 20 minutes I was rolling around crying and yelling. And then POOF… the stabbing pain was gone. It was really odd to me, because when a cyst ruptures, the stabbing pain has always  lasted for days. Maybe this was a super small cyst? Since then I’ve had non stop pain, it’s just different. It’s really starting to scare me because it’s so intense and I’m terrified of it rupturing or getting worse.

 

I hate being alone when this is happening. It puts me into panic mode. Like, what if I faint again? Or what if I can’t make it to a phone if something goes wrong? Or, what if the torsion begins again and I have to have my ovary removed? I really can’t explain it to anyone. I feel like a child when I ask people to stay with me.

 

I can barely handle it right now. The pain is dominating on one side but both sides hurt. I’m trying to focus on how excited I am to get my camera tomorrow or how there’s two lenses floating around UPS land on their way to me.

 

It’s one of those “don’t feel sorry for yourself, Alison” kinda days. It’s also one of those kinda days where I feel like screaming and yelling and wonder why I have to go through this all the time. I’d say God was testing me, if I believed in God.

 

It could always be worse. I could look like Betty la Fea (the ORIGINAL Ugly Betty). Does anyone remember her from riding the 51 bus like… 10 years ago?

 

Bridal landia

My dear  friend Laura is getting married in August. I went to a bridal faire with her today. It was a lot of fun! We drank tons of free champagne, ate smoked Salmon and tuna tartare appetizers, nibbled on olives and ate more wedding cake than I have ever consumed in one single day. I won Jory and myself year long memberships to the Monterey Museum of Art! He was just excited about it as I was, which was fun. And no, he didn’t come and enjoy bridal land with us. I can’t even imagine.

It was kinda odd for me being at a bridal faire, considering I’m getting divorced the day after tomorrow. It was more ironic than anything. I couldn’t help but think about  how important it is to me to one day be happily married and have children. All I want is to be appreciated as much as I deserve, to be adored and loved. Isn’t that what everyone wants?

I was looking at all the hopeful brides-to-be and realized how much differently I would do things. I realized that I hate matching bridesmaid dresses and white wedding gowns. If I get married again, I don’t want my Dad’s and Mom’s buddies there. I want close friends and immediate family. I would have a BBQ and serve cupcakes for desert.  And I want a red dress like this:

I am sooo excited to get a new camera. I hope I get gift certificates to my camera store for my birthday. I think I can do amazing things with photography, I just need the tools to do them. COME ON TAX RETURN. Check out this beauty:

A big step

I sold my engagement ring today. It was hard. Really hard. Not because I don’t want to move on, but it just brought back everything that’s happened in the last 2 years. It brought back all the bad feelings and horrible memories of how I got the shitty end of the breakup. How horrible my “friends” were. The horrible stories that circulated about me. I feel like my name still has not been cleared. On the other hand, I realized that I didn’t have to clear my name to the people that actually mattered. They looked past all the talk that was going on and were genuinely there for me.

I remembered how guilty my Mom made me feel “because she was loosing a son” and blamed me for everything. How she would call me to cry.. not because she saw me going through pain, but because she missed her “son”. I remembered how she didn’t care when I explained all the horrible things that had happened, things that I never told anyone. How she refused to take my wedding pictures down.

The only reason I didn’t leave sooner was becuase of my fear of dissapointing my family, again

I can finally, happily say… as of tonight I finally have enough money to file for divorce and it feels so good. It doesn’t feel good to be getting divorced, especially at 25… but it feels great to feel like I’m finally escaping an unhappy life filled with unhealthy decisions and constant anger. A huge weight was taken off of my shoulders.

On my way home I couldn’t help but smile. After all, I came out ahead. I know who my dear friends are. I rid my life of many toxic relationships and habits. I have a wonderful man in my life that adores me as much as I adore him. I feel like I can actually focus on our future without having something hanging over my head at all times.

 

On another note…

I went to the doctor today. She suggested I go on a medication to stop the chronic pain. The medicine is used for people with fibromyalgia. It stops some sort of neurotransmitter from working in the brain by controlling the way nerves communicate with the brain.

I politely declined. I’m not going on any creepy medication that affects brain function, no matter how much pain I’m in. Last time they wanted to put me into forced menopause at 25. Today she tried to discuss children with me. She let me know that it’s crucual that I have children soon if I want them at all. And that “sooner is definitely better than later”.

Thanks, doc. Like I said last time: let me get divorced first. Kaythanksloveyoububbye.

The Results Are In!

I’m starting to see results at the gym and it feels sooooo good! What also feels good is the comitment I’ve put into it. I’m at the gym at least 4 times a week for working out and that’s not including my pilates classes. On more than one occasion I’d had gym memberships and not really used them or put out a lot of effort. I also didn’t have flabby arms or chunky legs then.

 

I’m working my ass off now, literally! My arms and legs are shrinking and my tummy is getting tighter. I’ve lost over 10 lbs and 2 jean sizes. My hourglass figure is slowly coming back. My exercise accompanied by a super healthy diet (not including Superbowl Sunday) has been mega energizing. I NEVER would have thought a year ago that I would have made so many postivie changes. I really do love the food I’m eating too, which is a shock to me. I can honestly say I perfer plain oatmeal over oatmeal with sugar, whole wheat or whole grain breads and pastas. I’d much rather have frozen yogurt over ice cream. I really have no deside to eat sweets.

 

Seeing results just makes me want to work out longer and harder. I love it! I’m very proud of myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let’s get physical.

Just another day…

 

I was sitting at my desk this morning and I just burst into tears. I had a great weekend and nothing was immediately wrong. I sometimes get really overwhelmed though… it’s really easy for me to put feelings aside, but they always resurface. I have to remember that it’s OK to cry when I’m overwhelmed because of my health and not bottle it up.

Sometimes I feel so helpless. I don’t necessarily feel bad for myself, but I just wish I had some answers. I wish that someone could help me, even just a little. It’s really hard to be in pain every second of the day. It’s even harder to get used to it and make it part of your daily routine.

 

I hate having to tell people I’m not feeling good, because I’m never feeling good. I feel like I’m being annoying and repetitive. I get self conscious about it, like I’m annoying people by talking about it too much or that they don’t understand. I hate crying in front of people, even friends. I hate letting people know I’m aching. I try really hard to keep a straight face. It’s insane to be so excited about surgery… but it’s the only time I get temporary relief. Then the pain comes back about 2 weeks later.