I have been neglecting this blog! But never fear, there’s a new blog in town and it’s bigger and better than ever. Check it out!
I didn’t realize this blog had gained such a following after I’d started a new one!
http://www.mydogisagangster.blogspot.com
Please follow my new blog, it would love to have you as a friend.
XO
Alie
It’s been a little less than a week since my first acupuncture appointment and I must say… I am a believer. I had a very positive and welcoming first experience with acupuncture and will be going back at least once a week. I was given Chinese herbs called Gui Zhi Fu Ling Wan, which help endometriosis, abdominal masses and menstrual irregularities. So far, so good. I still have minor pain but it has gone down considerably compared to what it was at. This is a HUGE step for me and I finally see a glimmer of hope. I can’t describe how wonderful it feels to know that this might be the answer I’ve been looking for.
I also spoke with my acupuncturist about some of my other concerns such as anxiety, sleep problems and the plantar fasciitis in my foot. All of the issues I discussed have been reduced dramatically. My foot has already started to heal. I went on a little walk the other night, to try to get my blood moving and get my heart rate up a little bit. Unfortunately I couldn’t keep a very fast pace since I’m *still* limping… but it was a start. I had been in the boot every day ’til I started acupuncture and for the first time I am actually able to see a difference and WALK!
I am diving into a new yoga routine, being more diligent with my diet and continuing acupuncture as treatment, per my doctor’s orders. I am pleasantly surprised that my Kaiser doctor is so supportive of alternative medicines and is actually the one that suggested them in the first place. I hope I have a wonderful report for her come February when we meet again. I feel like it’s my last option before Lupron, so I am putting all my energy into making it count.
My next task is to remain calm and focused through the next semester and I almost wonder if that won’t be the most difficult of the last few years. I am tackling a full-time school schedule while working 40+ hours a week. I am already overwhelmed about this. I am finally working on my major, Psychology.
Christmas was amazing. I feel very lucky to have three families to spend Christmas with. I got to spend quality time with the Alliger’s, my Mom and the Righetti’s. Sadly, it was my first Christmas without my father, ever. He was in Arizona with my Step-Mother and Grandparents.
So there’s the last week in a nut shell. I am looking forward to focusing on getting better and finishing this chapter of school.
I have to remember, above all else, to breathe!
I finally had the follow-up appointment after my ultrasound on Friday. It was pretty much a waste of time. She told me they’ve confirmed that the endometriosis is back and she doesn’t understand how. Jory came with me to this appointment and it was nice to have his support, I always go to these appointments alone. I was happy that he got a chance to ask the doctor his questions and was participating in finding an effective treatment for me.
I’m not scheduling another surgery at this time, the doctor says it’s too soon to operate again. This is good and bad. Giving my age, it’s not good that I’ve already had as many surgeries as I’ve had. I am happy I don’t have to have another operation, but am frustrated that I won’t be getting the relief I was hoping for. I basically have to sit around while these things continue to grow, waiting ’till I’m ready to get pregnant.
Dr. Perry brought up Lupron again and I once again expressed my reluctance to the medication. Lupron is given in injections and tricks your body into thinking that it’s in menopause. The treatments are 6 months long. The side effects are a nightmare, hot flashes, weight gain, nausea and so so much more. I am not comfortable taking Lupron, even though for the first time last night, I considered it. Like most things, people rant about the negatives more than the positives so I haven’t been able to find many Lupron success stories.
I am not ready to go through menopause at 26.
Unlike I thought, hysterectomys are NOT a good treatment for endometriosis. In my ideal world I’d have two or three kids and then have a hysterectomy, providing me with relief for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. Endometriosis feeds off of estrogen. After a hysterectomy you still have to take synthetic forms of estrogen, which the endometriosis feeds off of just as easy as natural estrogen. The disease still grows.
We’re going to try one last thing, acupuncture. It might be able to help me get some pain relief and it’s offered through Kaiser. If it’s not working, I am going to consider Lupron. I hate hate hate hate the idea of it but I’m starting to feel like it’s my only option to get my life back.
I was given the green light to exercise again, as long as the pain is tolerable. This made me VERY happy, as I am starting to gain weight again. Considering I can still barely walk, I’ll have to let my feet heal first… but I am very excited to get active again. I am thinking about getting that Bladium gym membership I’ve been wanting. I am SO self-conscious when it comes to working out and wish I had a work out buddy. Yoga is supposed to be extremely beneficial and I hope to get some help from it.
There is an aspect of loneliness with this disease, as I’ve described before. It’s apparent now more than ever. I feel repetitive. I feel like screaming when people tell me I can adopt. I feel like I’m repeating myself and hate when people ask me how I’m doing, because I sound like a whiney, pathetic broken record when I tell them yet again how miserable I am. I almost think it’s time to start lying to avoid looking like a victim or someone who’s just plain lame. I feel like people don’t understand my impulsiveness to have children and how much it hurts me to think about not having any. I feel like people have absolutely no idea what I go through on a daily basis and that I should “get over it” or “suck it up”. It’s a horrible feeling and I’m very embarrassed. I haven’t returned any calls from people seeing how Friday went. I just don’t want to deal with it.
I found a helpful website today. http://www.endo-resolved.com/ There’s a lot of good information on there. It also suggests I do yoga for a few different reasons. This is the list of symptoms that come along with Endo and I would hope that people with these symptoms would get checkd out:
The most common symptoms of Endometriosis are:
Other symptoms which are common with Endometriosis include:
Pain is obviously a key factor in my every day life when dealing with endometriosis, but there’s also an emotional aspect that comes to the surface once and a while.
Last night I had one of those emotional moments.
I have been in pain since over-exerting myself Saturday night while dancing. I have been feeling it pretty much since I woke up Sunday morning and it hasn’t really stopped. Last night I had a pretty bad throbbing on my right side, which is new though that’s where the new endometrioma/growth lives. I was a little shocked. I had expected to feel pain there eventually (as it grows) but wasn’t prepared last night. As I’ve mentioned before, the flare ups and growth seems to correlate with stress. Last night was pretty stressful as I was finishing a term paper and preparing for my final.
The pain was tolerable last night but I was afraid to move in fear that it would worsen and I got snappy with Jory. I guess I expect him to understand what I’m going through sometimes even though there’s no way he possibly could. I expect him to not take it personal when I get short because it’s not him that I’m upset with.
After a few minutes of not moving last night I started to cry. I just couldn’t help it. I try to avoid crying or feeling sorry for myself because it gets me nowhere. Sometimes I can’t help it and I have little breakdowns. It only lasted for 5 minutes but I felt 5 minutes of pure despair. The “why me” thoughts came to the surface again. I start to think of what might happen if it gets worse and all the overwhelming thoughts and “what ifs” flood my head. These moments are very trying on the soul and I honestly feel that every time I get through one of those spells I have changed a little bit and consequently become a little bit more numb to what’s going on. Of course, I eventually realize that I have it good and that it could be worse. I am pretty good at concealing my emotions about my condition but we’re all human and I suppose anyone would have a few moments of helplessness when dealing with something as horrible as this.
I wish I had done more when I was feeling better, before this current occurence began. I wish I’d gone out more and laid in bed less. I know I’ll be able to go out and eventually do the things I love more often, but it sucks laying in bed 3 nights in a row and there will definitely be more of that to come.
In two weeks I have another ultrasound. This is the thorough, invasive, internal, horrifically painful type of ultrasound. A week after that I find out if or when I have another surgery. Surgery means two weeks off work which I wouldn’t be able to swing without disability.
Fingers crossed that I don’t have to have another operation. I think that’s what scares me the most.
I wish someone would just fix me.
Current listen:
R.E.M. – Green
My weeks have been flying by lately. My Mondays fly by super fast, since I am catching up from the weekend and setting up the work week. Tuesdays are dreadful. My position at my company is Accounts Payable. I basically pay all the bills and cut all the company’s checks. When I’m not paying bills, I’m entering in hundreds of invoices a week for me to pay later. (We use a paleolithic accounting computer system that is 20 years old. My computer at work operates on Windows 98. Seriously.) Tuesday are especially painful. I’ve already rushed all day Monday to catch up and I am bored as hell come Tuesday. I’m the kind of person that always has to be busy at work. I’ll find something to do if my duties are done. I can’t stand twiddling my thumbs and I don’t like my boss to see me bored. I find that on these super-slow days I dream about Friday. I feel like the week will never start moving again and then BAM… here comes Wednesday and before I know it the week is over.
On weeknights I am so burnt out from the day I take it super easy and usually rest while doing school work. I don’t go out on weeknights and try to get to bed by 10, sometimes I’m asleep by 9. I try to go out on weekends, but after a 40 hour week I tend to be very sore and/or tired. On Saturdays I overdose on the lattes to keep me moving. I like to get out on Saturdays to walk around Piedmont or College and window shop. Sometimes, I like lying in bed all day, but that’s only if I’m in a lot of pain. I can function regularly while in a high degree of pain, I’m used to it and the pain seems to be put on the back burner. I can feel my abdomen freaking out just about every second of the day. I can feel it now. No cause for alarm, it’s just how it is. I kinda think of it like a tattoo. The first minute is rough and then it becomes just annoying. It’s tolerable so you just lay there, waiting for it to be done. Occasionally I have to stop what I’m doing completely and have a seat or take a rest.
This Saturday night is packed with plans. I have to go to a going away party for an hour, then meet the ladies for our bi-weekly Alameda Ladies Drinking Club. This group is super fun and the other members of the group are great. We only meet for about an hour for cocktails (I usually have a Diet Coke) and then are on our merry way. Later that night I will be attending a rock star themed party, which I am super excited for. I haven’t made my costume but will end up throwing one together last-minute, as always. I have a wig. I will post photos. unfortunately, I can’t exactly let loose, being a perma-gimp and all. Nnekay (who is one of my oldest, dearest friends since Kindergarden) is throwing the aforementioned rock star party and lives across the street (literally). I can have a beer or two and walk home Saturday night.
This weekend, when I’m not dressed as multi-talented rock star, I’ll be finishing up my research paper on “Reproductive Behaviors of Gorillas”. They’re not as interesting as I thought they’d be. They have boring sex lives and I’ve found my research to be bland. I should have chosen another non-human primate, but oh well. Time to crank out 1,000 more words and be done with it.
I was thinking about all the nicknames Jory and I have given Bucko and I was cracking up this morning while emailing them to my sister Megan (aka Beast, Mega Beast and Pegan). Here are a few as I bid you adieu: Buckins. Buck Nasty. Buck skin. Buster. Buddy. Buckorama. Chappy. Buckoloatapus. Muffin. Buckmaster Flash. Bucko Baggins. Buck Rogers.
Current constant listen: Band of Horses, Everything All the Time
This album is amazing. Dig it.
In light of yesterdays news, it seems I need to be even more diligent with my diet. I have been slipping lately and it’s time to get strict again.
I am going back to organic fruits and vegetables, and eliminating meat from my diet again. Although organic produce is more expensive, it’s made a significant difference in many women’s treatment and management of endometiosis. I have to do everything I possibly can to manage this disease, even if that means cutting out my beloved steak tacos. This disease is out of control. As I type, I have two huge steak tacos sitting next to me, waiting to be devoured for one last hoo-rah. I am going to eat them slowly and savor them. And then cry when they’re gone.
Now that I know there’s a new growth/problem, I know not to push myself with exercising. Next week I start weekly yoga classes and I’m sticking to them. Hopefully this will eliminate stress, which has proven to play a dramatic role in my condition.
Wish me luck. And if I’m a cranky bitch, don’t take it personal. I just want steak.
As I promised, I am updating my blog after today’s follow up appointment. For my one reader. lmfao.
I had a horrible episode in the middle of the night a few weeks ago, where I suddenly was unable to move, had hot sweats and felt like someone was ripping the organs out of my abdomen.
Today was my follow up appointment. Dr. Perry (aka Captain Amazing) came in and I told her about the constant pain I’ve been having and the episode a few weeks back. She said that I wouldn’t be growing any more endometriosis, since the IUD was in. She grabbed the ultrasound machine and proceeded to check out my plumbing.
And there it was. A brand new golf ball sized endometrioma on my right ovary. I think her jaw hit the floor. She is concerned about the cyst creating torsion, which is when the weigh of the cyst causes the ovary to drop and twist, cutting off blood supply to the ovary. This can be fatal.
So we’re back to square one. I go in for another ultrasound in mid December, to see if this endometrioma is growing. I’m trying not to cry. I know it’s completely absurd that I’m still getting these and I realize how rare it is for treatment to not work, which makes me feel worse. I can’t exercise and I feel like I’m starting to get depressed. I would like a normal life right about now. It hasn’t even been 6 months since the last surgery and I was out for two weeks after that.
I’m trying to think positive, but years and years of thinking positive with negative results is very trying on the soul.
All this health stuff is starting to take it’s toll.
I have been so incredibly touchy and emotinal the last month. I have been reading way to far into interactions with people and over reacting to nonsense. Today has been like one long panic attack, I have been completely filled with anxiety.
Now I’m certain it’s either time for a yoga class or that I need to find some more calming activities. I have been in too much pain to exercise like I want to and exercise seemed to be the only thing that really balanced me out.
In all actuality, all I really feel like doing is eating cupcakes, sitting on my ass and watching Twin Peaks.
Alie's Blog 
